A lot has gone on in our family this fall. Actually a lot has gone on our family for the past 21 years, since my husband and I first became parents, and even before, but this fall it was was especially so.
Some of it has been the normal stress and chaos involved with raising three sons and trying to juggle our work and passions. Even when we think things are settling down and on an even keel, something comes up and we say, "Never a dull moment. Why on earth can't we have some DULL moments?"
But some of what my husband and I have dealt with this fall has been especially sad as we come to terms with the cycle of life with regard to our close family members. Even when a family member has led a long, healthy and happy life that should be celebrated for its fullness more than it is mourned, when the life cycle comes full circle, it affects you in ways that go beyond what you expect you will feel as you grieve.
I have found myself not only thinking of the loss he and I have experienced in the past month, but I feel overwhelmed with the very shortness of life itself and the speed with which time flies. Yes, I know that these phrases are as cliche ridden as they get, but sometimes the very truth in them can hit you in the face like walking into a wall does, and your aching head stays with you in the midst of everything you do, think, and say.
Just a post back, before the sadness in our lives descended, I was preoccupied with the whole concept of becoming a collectible on ebay, and how quickly 31 years flew by. Now as we think about lives led and lost, and passing years I spend a good portion of every day reminding myself that as fast as the past 31 have gone by, so will the next 31. And, with that goes the notion that time spent doing things of little importance or enjoyment is time forever squandered.
So I have been trying to charge forward. Seriously. I am trying to think of things I need to get done or have always wanted to get done. Yes, I know that there is some sort of "things to see/places to go before you die" kind of thing out there. But do we really need someone else to make those lists for us? Shouldn't we sit down and come up with our own lists?
Aside from the obvious, like seeing my kids grown, happy and healthy (always a worry and a challenge), and making sure my husband and family, and extended family are warm, safe and loved, as well as trying to always eat, drink, and be merry (a real problem for number 3), here are some of the things I have put on my own list:
1. Finishing up my MG/YA novel
2. Really learning to play my banjo well
3. Sticking to my diet
4. Working on big, empowering canvases again, with paint flying all over
5. Seeing the Northern Lights up close and personal
6. Having some serious time in France
7. Letting my hair grow very long again (have a good head start on that, no pun intended)
8. Getting my bull dog Bitty house trained....
And especially making books for kids-- my obsession and passion.
Some of the things above I have been better at than others, or are more reachable than others--easy to figure out which, I am sure. But one thing that has been the bulk of my time is the book work. And so I have been writing up a storm, and come the new year I will get to work illustrating the books I am contracted for, as well as creating the dummies for the new work that will be, or is in the process of, being shopped around. I am juiced. I am driven. And I am inspired. I feel like the final gift our loved ones leave us when they move on, is the message to embrace life and time, and go for it.
SO--are you moving forward with your own list or putting it off? Have you even made your list? Well, it is that time of year again, isn't it? Don't let someone else tell you where to go, and what to see or do. Figure it out for yourself. Then make it happen. Time might be a-wastin'. And if not that, let me tell you, it's a-flyin' for sure.
Thank for the kick in the pants, and food for thought as well!
Posted by: Paula Pertile | December 13, 2007 at 03:58 PM
Well said.
I'm sorry for your loss.
We got a wake up call early in our careers when a friend of my husbands died the week before he was to retire and take a trip around the world.
We were still in our 20s, but decided that (exactly as you said) life is SO VERY short. A year later we were in China... he working part time, me not working and caring for our newborn.
11 years and four countries later...we're still seeing the world. Still it is easy to get stuck in a routine and put off the things which are MOST important.
Thank you for the reminder!!!!
Angela
(from VerlaKay board)
www.ListofThingsLost.blogspot.com
Posted by: Angela Cerrito | December 14, 2007 at 05:43 PM
Paula, I am so glad you stopped by--I want everyone I know to give serious thought to making life happen now--not later.
Always happy to kick someone in the pants( ask Ilene),
Barb
Posted by: Barbara Johansen Newman | December 14, 2007 at 07:12 PM
Angela, what a story you have to tell....I went and began to read your blog, and I was fascinated and I want to know much more. I find that the thought of losing years' worth of memories makes my heart ache. And it is something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately--thinking about all the stuff one gathers in the course of living.
I know that we are not supposed to be consumed by material goods, but, in fact, much of what we accumulate in our lives becomes the tally stick for our existence. In many ways our lives are attached to the objects we surround ourselves with. Lately I have found myself looking around my house of "things"--I am the consummate junk and antique collector--and I am seeing the record of years and life more than the things themselves.
When my mother-in-law passed away recently, we needed to clean out her apartment. I came to think how few things her life of 92 years had been sifted down to. I also shivered with dread at the idea of my sons having to go trough my own house.
And then, last week ,my own father --from whom I was somewhat estranged--died. And I actually asked my half-siblings for something tangible to remember him by. A thing. A mere thing.
I guess that was a long winded response to your post. Your story has the wheels spinning in my head.....
Barbara
Posted by: Barbara Johansen Newman | December 14, 2007 at 07:23 PM
Oh, Barbara. Grief and loss are so hard. I wish you and your family a warm blanket of comfort and love.
Please let me know if you need anything.
Posted by: Vivian | December 14, 2007 at 07:48 PM